Reblog if you’d watch a show or movie with an asexual protagonist
Reblog if you’d watch a show or movie with an asexual protagonist
crying because my family is spread out across the country and i’m homesick and i leave for japan again in the morning…
it was the first time the three of us sisters were together in 8 months and one of us still had to come via skype
i don’t want us to be apart again and i know there’s no helping it
anna’s in seattle for college, nem’s in brockport for college, and i’m in nagoya for college - it’ll be a while before we’re together again and we’ll likely never live in the same neighborhood again
i don’t want to admit that those days are gone…
i’m crying… i miss them so much…
one of them is sleeping in the room next door but the hours we have left this visit are rapidly coming to an end…
i hate change… i can’t deal with change… i don’t want to have to either…
i just wish we could all live together again…
maybe i should look at getting the metal version of the tangle therapy toy… yesterday it wouldn’t stay together at one point in the links… not it wouldn’t stay together at at least four… i’ve officially killed it i think… wow… i was really hoping to have that for the plane and class… guess between using it constantly and watching supernatural with it it was just too much… ah well… loved it though and would highly recommend - just play nicely with it… wonder if i can find similar shaped beads and just string them together? have to look when i get near a craft store again…
the past month has been a repeat of something familiar to me but with a new topic that is somewhat ironic at the same time
ever since i was little, something would claim my interest and i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from reading and learning everything i possibly could about it. sometimes i would remember all of it years later. sometimes it would be hidden away in the back of my mind, unable to be pulled forth at will, but as soon as i start looking again it all comes flooding back.
well recently, that researching obsession has been first with auditory processing disorder and sensory processing disorders, then (and currently) with autism spectrum disorder. i find myself having to force myself away from the computer and my internet browser full of tabs, all open to various articles, books, blogs, anything i have been able to find. then i reach the end of an article and there are links to more - those get opened and the tabs increase.
but finally it feels like i’m getting somewhere. things are slowly making more and more sense. it’s like i found a hidden room that i’ve been searching for for years to no avail. i know that right now it’s in the foreground and i can’t get myself to ignore it so i’m not going to even try right now. it’s not bad. why stop looking? why force myself to stop something that is rewarding and engaging to me? i know that this intensity will run it’s course and will fade to the back burner for a while. there will be other things pulling at my mind. it will not define me. it never has. but i can’t control the obsessive behavior either. and i’m starting to understand why. finally.
mom said she’s with me on getting a diagnosis. she’s had her suspicions since i was a kid. but she also warned me to “not let it define me and not let it become an excuse for everything”.
i know. oh, mom. i know and i don’t plan on letting it. but right now it’s still so new and exciting and i’ve found the room i’ve always known was there just out of sight. so yes, for a while it might seem like i’m letting it define me and that i’m obsessed. but i promise you, i will calm down about it with time. i need time right now to flail. i need you to understand that as i figure out the answers to questions i have asked a wall all my life, i will be excited and i will talk about it seemingly obsessively. because it is important to me. and when i’m excited, i flail. i have two flail modes, as i’ve discovered - physical and vocal. me talking about all this “obsessively” as you would term it? i’m verbally flailing (and often physically too, though it’s almost impossible to type and flail simultaneously). i flail right now because i’m happy. the pieces are starting to fall into place at last. and i can’t help myself. so please, understand. i just need some time. once it sinks in and becomes an accepted part of me and i get better at accepting/understanding myself, the flailing will calm down again for a while.
i am okay. not just okay, i feel calmer. i’m going to be just fine. i don’t feel broken. that feeling is rapidly vanishing like smoke. yes, i have problems. maybe some of them are termed “disabilities”. fine. they are a part of me, i cannot change that no matter how hard i tried to deny and hide them. but they also do not define me. i know that. but at the moment, just for this moment (however long it needs to last), i want to let myself be defined by it. i want to discover just how much of myself i’ve been locking away in my mind. i want to unlock all those invisible doors and chains to let myself free from the prison of my mind. that will likely cause changes noticeable to others. i will face that one step at a time even though change is difficult to handle. but right now i’d rather handle that and be myself, than stay locked in here.
i can type better than i can speak. write better than i can speak, i’ve always known that. but i learned to speak and can speak. but i cannot use it as effectively as others. often it is like speaking a foreign language i have only semi-fluent control over - times comes where i literally do not have the words to speak aloud what i need to or want to. it hurts. because i can see in my mind the words but i cannot for the life of me make my voice cooperate. my mouth moves perhaps, but i remain unable to speak. yet give me something to write on and out they come. just like here, right now. this is me speaking. my fingers flying faster than my mouth could ever go. i make mistakes but go back and fix them - another thing i can’t do when i speak. if i could go around and have conversations with people by listening to them and typing my responses (and having them be patient enough to wait for me) i would. i would replace spoken words with written. maybe not all the time, but often. so so often. it takes so much less out of me. but i can get so much more out of me. out of my brain. communication. things i want to say but that stay locked inside otherwise.
i’m sick of being locked in my own head. one step at a time, i will break down these doors. maybe it won’t end up looking like i’m the same, maybe it’ll look like i got worse. but i promise you that’s not the case. i’m just tired of pretending to be the me i’m not. i don’t want to act anymore. i’m tired. if i want to stim, i’m going to stim - and anyone who has a problem with it can just shut it. i feel better when i do it. i stopped because i got bullied for it. so i felt worse for the bullying and the loss of my comfort. i continued in public, simultaneously reveling in and repelling my behavior. well, no more. i like it, it makes me feel better and calmer. i feel less scared. more ready to handle whatever comes my way. i know that just because i can say this with confidence now does not mean that instantly my problems are gone. i know i will have trouble again, meltdowns and panic attacks even. but i am no longer going to be facing those blind. i am autistic and it is a part of who i am, but it does not define me. but there is also no me if you were to take that part away.
another thing i’m not sure if anyone else gets…
maybe it’s a sensory/auditory processing disorder(s) thing or something related to the autism spectrum? i’ve never talked to anyone else who dealt with this… so is it just me?…
~ hearing your pulse and feeling in it your ears or hed regardless of whether your pulse is slow or fast
~ hearing the creak of your own muscles so loud you get paranoid about whether or not anyone else can hear it (most common is the back of the neck and sometimes shoulders)
After Fred died George developed a line of Cheering Chocolates, Nightmare Nougat and Memory Mallow for himself and others with PTSD.
Eventually he expanded the line to Safe Silent Sparklers for those with sound sensitivities or triggers and Trigger Talismans which vibrate and block out sound when a trigger is said so that the wearer can leave.
HEADCANON SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED, AND ACCEPTED.
another beautiful positive thing that happened this week that for some reason i’ve kept forgetting to write down here
i was talking to anna about my relationship with angela and about the coming out to my parents disaster, among other things related to all of that
well apparently she’s known i was ace for a while (and aro came as no surprise when i told her that part) - i had sent her a link to the lyrics i translated from frozen’s let it go between japanese and english and the post right below that was one on asexuality. she saw it and just went “oooh, that makes so much sense! of course she’s ace” and then just wasn’t sure if she should bring it up or not because she wasn’t sure if i was okay with her knowing or not.
it’s such a relief for her to know and for me to know that’s she’s so okay with it and completely accepting of my relationship with angela. she even said she talked to her mom about it a bit to try and help my parents relax a bit when they were freaking out (our moms are also really close friends).
i’m so thankful. more so than i can ever express. i was born an only child, but was still able to have the two best, most accepting, wonderful sisters in the world. i love them so much and wouldn’t trade them for the world. the world doesn’t see us as sisters, but in my head that’s what i call them - best friends and sisters, forever. even my parents think of them as their “other daughters” though and the two of them think of my parents as their “other parents” so at least in that circle it counts. i am the oldest of three girls. anna was born 11 months after me, nem exactly 4 weeks after me. nem and i celebrate our “twin birthday” on the date exactly halfway between our own birthdays. anna and i have known each other since she was 5 and i was 6. for emily it was age 8, two years later. we’ve grown up in the same neighborhood, always together. now we’re spread out, but the closeness remains. we get together or skype and it’s like we’ve never been apart. my parents may have been able to give birth to only one child, but they have three loving daughters. even if two of them have other families too. my family is beautiful and i love them.
does anyone else do the thing where you can’t rock outwardly so you rock inwardly - it feels like you’re rocking but you’re not actually moving?
about a month ago i emailed a local (hometown local, not study abroad local) autism center to ask for information about resources in the area for autistic adults. i never heard back. just yesterday i found and emailed 2 other local asd centers i found online. both got back to me within hours. the first to tell me he was passing my information to someone else who could answer my questions better and who he said would email me back. haven’t gotten that email yet but it hasn’t been very long either. the other place emailed me back to ask for a bit more information that she would pass on to someone who could help me find resources. i’ve replied to that, now to wait. but it’s something. and here’s to hoping that i can work on getting something set up for when i come home for christmas (or maybe even get something started over skype or something, i don’t know).
it’s just a relief to have started this with some promise. i was worried they’d turn me down immediately because i’m over 18 and what i could find said they took patients under 18. but i guess that’s where more of the resources are… really hoping one of these places works out. i want to know. and i want to understand. and i want to know how i can work on helping myself function (not in a nt way, more of functional skills like calming down, handling social situations, dealing with change better). i’m trying, i really am. but some help would be appreciated. and none of the people (counselors, psychotherapists, psychiatrists) i’ve talked to so far have been able to help. and i’m wondering now if it’s because the problems they were trying to fix weren’t actually the main problem and thus were ineffective.