Welcome to my blog. I am autistic and have sensory and auditory processing disorders. I also identify as aromantic asexual (or aro ace for short).
My ask is always open whether you follow me or not (you can be anonymous too if you want)
My main (fandom based) blog is hinata42691. So if you get a follow from there it's still me, I just can't follow people from rinsadreamer...
Is funny when doctors and other peeps act like my problem is that I’m obsessed w/ my disability. Um no. You have it backwards. The problem is I HAVE to be cuz it is a constant problem.
I’m deaf. About 25 years ago, I was working for a little while as a classroom aide at a program that worked with deaf children with multiple disabilities. All the teachers and other classroom aides were hearing, but they all could sign. Not at native signing level, but enough to carry on a basic conversation.
So, one evening, all us adults bring all the kids to a special one-night camping trip. All the kids are put to sleep, which frees up the adults to get into a circle and have some fun to ourselves for a while. People start talking, except they were forgetting to sign. So I reminded them to please sign so I could understand them. One of them told me that, no, they weren’t going to sign because this was our night to have fun and not have to think about communication.
So no one signed all night. They talked, they laughed, they had fun. I sat, feeling lost and cut off and betrayed. I remember wishing I had had the nerve to say, “No, what you mean is, you want a night in which everyone EXCEPT ME gets to not think about communication.”
I think sometimes when non-disabled people insist that we are too obsessed with our disability, what they REALLY mean is, “I wish you would stop reminding me that I have a shared responsibility as a fellow member of society to proactively ensure that we all have an opportunity to be engaged in society. I wish you would just pretend to not have a disability so I can pretend that I don’t have to do anything to enable you to do the same things the rest of us are doing.”
The luxury of not needing to think about disability in a society that is designed to lock us on the cold outside is a non-disabled privilege.
accidentally bumps into someone
"you don’t have to keep apologizing"
is there a word for “i’m okay but it’s a fragile kind of okay so be gentle with me”?
no matter how old I get
I will always be at least slightly convinced that I’m capable of hurting a stuffed animal’s feelings
Toy Story mentally fucked a generation of kids.
If you’re suicidal and still alive, I’m so fucking proud of you.
If you’re suffering from an eating disorder and still eating, I’m so fucking proud of you.
If you’re suffering from a mental illness and your fighting, I’m so. Fucking. Proud. Of. You.
i didn’t have a chance to write about this yesterday because i was too tired, so i’ll type it up before going to bed today.
since it had been a week since i talked with the school psychologist (who said he’d get back to me via email) and i still hadn’t heard anything, i thought i’d stop by to see him just in case i missed the email. the nurse at reception showed me upstairs to his office since i’d never been up there before. his office had the same weird smell he did (i noticed it on him last week) and it also had a bunch of fake potted plants (maybe the smell is from them?).
anyway, he sat me down and apologized for being late getting back to me. apparently he had called not only the neighboring school’s psychology department but all the local clinics that might help - all of which said they didn’t want to diagnose me (not in those exact words, but all refused because japanese is not my first language and they weren’t sure it would work - a valid concern but still frustrating as i can speak/understand a decent amount).
he then asked me if it really had to be done in japan and could it wait. yes, technically it can wait. but since i won’t be back in the us long enough to go through with finding someone and going through all the testing stuff for potentially several years (if i get into grad school), i’d rather do it here. even if language makes it hard. he thought for a little and then asked whether i would mind seeing someone a bit further away. when i said that would be fine, he excused himself to make a phone call.
when he came back, he told me that the school psychologist at my university’s other campus (an hour away) agreed to not only see me, but to give me a mental health examination next wednesday. that psychologist apparently majoring in something relating to what i’m looking for (missed some of what he said but i’m assuming he was referring to autism and auditory/sensory processing disorders) and speaks some english. somehow, we might just be able to get this to work - he can speak some english, i can speak some japanese, and with a dictionary to fill in the tough spots it could actually work. oh and he said he’d do it for free too.
i have no idea what to expect and quite frankly i’m kinda terrified, but at the same time i’m a bit excited. all i have to do in the meantime is start putting together as much info as i can to help the meeting go smoother and (hopefully) save time that might be lost due to language issues. then i have to actually get to the other campus (the bus leaves 10 minutes after i get out of class on the other side of campus so i’ll probably have to run) and once i’m there i’ll have to find the nurse’s office. to be honest i wish i had a bit more time to prepare (and maybe do a test trip), but since i don’t i’ll just try to do as much as i can in the next couple of days…
wish me luck?
hearing aids and apd: update 8
one of the things i’ve noticed from the start is that even with the help of hearing aids, my apd still causes me to miss sounds/words/phrases entirely or have them turn into gibberish. however, when i wear them, those misses happen much less often and i really do hear a lot better with them in.
i’m still not used to them fully yet (though it’s getting better) and i’m definitely not used to wearing them everyday. which means that (particularly on evenings/weekends at the dorm) i tend to take them out or forget to put them in. and while that’s fine if i’m sitting in my room on the computer or reading, it’s not so fine if anyone tries to talk to me.
because now that i’ve been using the hearing aids and getting used to having many fewer misses, going back to my non-hearing-aid hearing sounds so much worse. how did i even do it all these years. it’s so frustrating not to be able to understand people most of the time (made harder by half of it being in another language that i’m not fluent in yet, making it hard to fill-in-the-blanks with guesses).
i never really realized how bad my hearing was because i had no idea what it was like to hear any differently. i’m amazed at what my hearing aids can do. they’re not perfect, but they’re definitely a major improvement (i’m a perfectionist so they’re really great, i’m just really picky - glasses are the same (i notice the smallest prescription changes)).
hopefully as i continue to wear them and as technology improves in the coming years, my hearing will get better too. there’s no guarantee. but there’s also nothing written in stone saying it won’t. i’d rather believe that it can get better (after all, it already has once).
Morning guys. I hope you remember today that if you slip up you can restart your day at any time. You don’t have to wait til the next day to start over. Just sit down, breathe for a few minutes, and start again.
I like this. I really like this.
Reading this everyday for the weeks to come.
Everyone who suffers from social anxiety needs a friend who will
- help them order food when it’s too scary
- walk with them through crowded places
- help them laugh it off when they make a mistake
- not get tired of answering “no, you’re not annoying, silly goose! You’re adorable and I love you” no matter how many times it’s needed
and if you’re that friend, bless u for being fab <3
this is too accurate